What’s Healthy and What’s Not

Rihanna: Pop star. Role model. Dating abuse survivor. Several months ago, that last statement would have seemed unbelievable and even outrageous. Yet after photos of Rihanna’s battered face surfaced on the Internet and Chris Brown pleaded guilty to assaulting her, it’s clear that dating abuse can happen to anyone. Dating abuse, which includes physical, sexual, emotional or psychological abuse within a dating relationship, has an impact on millions of teens every day. Although local figures are not available, each year in the US, 1 in 11 teens report being a victim of physical dating abuse, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

In a survey of 2,800 Sexetc.org teen users, 33 percent reported being in an abusive relationship, either as the victim or abuser. (The good news is that half say they have never been involved in such situations.) But what really stood out was that 11 percent responded with “I think so, but I’m not really sure,” when asked if they’d ever been in an abusive dating relationship. This means that some of us aren’t sure what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like and might not be able to tell if we are in an abusive one.

As teens, we are just beginning to learn about relationships—and it’s all too easy to become involved in an abusive situation where you’re not quite sure if what’s happening is healthy or not. “It’s not always easy for people to know that they are in an abusive relationship. They may know that what is happening is not good, but they don’t identify what is happening as ‘abuse,’” says Chris Johnson, Prevention and Education Coordinator at the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center in Washington State. The only way you can turn over a new leaf in a relationship is if you are clear about what is or isn’t healthy in it. So, how do you know what’s healthy and what isn’t?

Healthy or Unhealthy?
Each of these scenarios describes different characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Notice if you recognise healthy and unhealthy behaviors in each scenario.

1. Nicholas and Kavita
Nicholas and Kavita have been going out since freshman year, and everyone thinks they’re “the perfect couple.” But recently, Nicholas has been pressuring Kavita to have sex, even though she doesn’t feel ready yet. At first, Nicholas tried guilt-tripping her with lines like, “If you really loved me, then you would have sex with me.” When that didn’t work, he threatened to find a new girlfriend who would have sex with him. Finally, after weeks of pressure, Kavita reluctantly gave in.
• Unhealthy
By using threats and guilt to persistently pressure Kavita to have sex, Nicholas is abusing her emotionally and sexually. As her boyfriend, he needs to understand and respect her decision to wait. Meanwhile, Kavita should never compromise her values, morals and emotions by giving in to doing something against her will. She deserves to be in a relationship where she feels safe and free to choose to have sex only if and when she’s ready. Nicholas should seek help to put an end to this abusive behaviour.

2. Sarah and Curt
After hours of strenuous workouts throughout the vacation, Sarah finally makes the varsity soccer team. She excitedly calls her boyfriend Curt to tell him all about the coach, players and drills. Even though Curt has no interest in soccer, he animatedly talks and listens throughout the entire conversation, because he knows how much the team means to Sarah. Since they always feel safe and comfortable around each other, it is very easy to talk openly about their different interests, friends and family together.
• Healthy
Good communication and mutual trust are key characteristics of a healthy relationship. By opening up to each other, Sarah and Curt are building strong bonds through clear conversation and listening. Chris of the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center stresses how important it is for partners to “take interest in one another’s life.”

3. Jerome and Petal
Jerome just had a huge fight with his girlfriend, Petal. As they were arguing, Jerome felt so mad that he grabbed her by the arms to get her to listen to him and then threw his cell phone across the room, smashing it to pieces. Jerome promises this will never happen again. He insists it was all an accident, because he didn’t mean to hurt anyone. He just couldn’t control his sudden outburst of anger and frustration.
• Unhealthy
Many red flags are present here—physical violence, explosive anger and phony excuses. While fights may happen in a relationship, physical force should never be involved. Jerome needs to accept responsibility for his actions, instead of making excuses for his “uncontrollable” temper, and seek help immediately. Even if this just happens once, Petal needs to acknowledge these warning signs and understand that she deserves love and respect. If not, this violent behaviour will only continue and become worse.

4. Lisa and Ravi
For the prom, Lisa buys a sexy, strapless party dress, hoping to impress her boyfriend, Ravi. Instead, he gets angry and calls Lisa a “whore” for buying such a revealing outfit. Ravi doesn’t want any other guys checking out his girlfriend, so he tells her to return the dress immediately. Lisa calls Ravi names, and when he starts yelling at her, she slaps him across the face.
• Unhealthy
Whoa! Everyone is out of control here! Ravi uses degrading insults and threats to hide his possessiveness and jealousy. Even worse, he is lowering Lisa’s self-confidence by criticising her choices and controlling what she wears. In a situation like this, Chris says the abusive partner feels like “it is his right, his entitlement, to control and abuse his girlfriend.” Lisa needs to speak up for herself and not make excuses for this unacceptable behaviour. At the same time, it’s never okay for anyone to use physical violence, so Lisa needs to express herself in ways other than slapping her boyfriend.

5. Sonya and Vaughn
Sonya really wants to try out for a musical, even though she’s never auditioned for a show before. She feels very nervous about pursuing this new hobby and meeting different people. Her boyfriend, Vaughn, feels a little threatened that Sonya is going to be spending so much time away from him, but knows this means a lot to her. So he gives Sonya a pep talk then helps her memorise the lines and practice different dance steps after school. He even goes with her to the audition!
• Healthy
It’s easy to mistakenly think that having a boyfriend or girlfriend means you should spend every single second together. But that’s not true—and it isn’t healthy. Vaughn is being a great boyfriend by supporting and encouraging Sonya to pursue new interests and try different activities outside of their relationship. He helps her build self-confidence and achieve her goals. These are critical aspects of any healthy relationship, as long as both partners are equally supportive of each other.

Cynthia Lam
online correspondent,
www.sexetc.org